I’m miserable, and totally alone in this world, and it’s all my fault. All my fault.
Today was a self-reflective day. I thought back to all the people I’ve lost, wondering where they all went wrong, not in the “I-wish-I-had-them-back” way, the past is in the past, but more as to how to fix it, because I noticed a pattern develop. The only common denominator in all of it is me. It’s quite hard for me to admit when I’m wrong sometimes, and I know I’ve behaved very wrongly.
It’s so easy to get trapped in the victim mentality - that I’m the innocent person everyone fucks with, but it’s unrealistic - how would they know if I was prone to that? Scent? Please. It’s my own patterns and actions that cause people to jump ship.
I know for a fact that I am hyper-sensitive, and in constant seeking of praise. I am prone to feeling neglected, even when I am not, and have strong fears of abandonment. I have unrealistic expectation of myself, and to a large extent, others. I know I can’t handle criticism well. Most of my success in areas of my life has been simply to avoid that, rather than true brilliance.
I also know that I have poor control over my emotions and actions. I’d never be violent towards anyone, but I’m frequently visibly angry, bitter, and biting towards those who have wronged me, and frequently, what I’m angry/bitter/biting about has nothing to do with them and I just want to take it out on them out of a flawed sense of “justice”.
I also know that even though I want emotional intimacy (of the romantic kind) more than anything, I frequently have engaged in self-sabotage due to fear of it. It’s hard to say the words “I’m lonely” to myself or others without feeling weak and like a failure as a man, but I’m lonely as hell. I can’t run away from it or minimize it, I’m genuinely lonely. There’s a large part of me that feels I don’t deserve anything else other than loneliness, so through what I do (or don’t do) or say (or don’t say), I ruin any chance I have for the emotional and physical closeness that I crave so much.
I also know that I have a mouth on me. I run my mouth a hell of a lot, and I know quite a bit of what I say is not appropriate. I rarely think about it at the time, and if I do, certainly not enough, but I almost always feel embarrassed and ashamed looking back at things I’ve said, wondering why I did that to myself.
That’s not to say I’m 100% to blame, either. Like anything, it’s a give and take. In some of the situations, I have the majority share, and in others, I don’t - but the share is never zero. The first step towards solving the problem is admitting I have one - and while I’ve never had a physical addiction (unless you can count cutting), the psychological addiction I have to self-destruction has to come to an end, and I will structure it like one.
That leads me to the catalyst for this thought provocation. I lost someone very close to me (I will not say the name out of respect), someone I never thought I’d lose, around a month ago now. It feels like a lot shorter than that. To say things were complicated would be an understatement. Neither her or I are innocent in all of this, but I admit, for all intents and purposes, I’m almost exclusively to blame for the downfall of the remaining friendship. I know I was quite hurt about what she did, but I should have controlled the anger and sadness better than I did, and I shouldn’t have merged trying to be biting with needing a confidant. I should have been there for her more than I was. I shouldn’t have been so snippy and biting all the time. I’m an adult male now, it’s time to let go of being childish. Again, just like others, the past is in the past, I don’t want her back in my life. There’s nothing really left there. I can’t change anything that happened, and “sorry” won’t undo the anguish for either of us, but I can make sure the future is different. I will not let it be dictated by the past anymore.
(Happy Moscow, Andrey Platonov)
|—||Henry David Thoreau (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)|
THINGS IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY TO BE
- non binary
THINGS IT IS NOT OKAY TO BE
- an asshole
- a goose
this post wasn’t even about social justice it was about my hatred of geese
you’re on our list.
do not tell her you love her if you cannot handle her father or mother.
do not tell her you love her if you cannot love her at her worse.
do not tell her you love her if you only crave for her curves, not her mind.
do not tell her you love her if you cannot deal with her mood swings.
do not tell her you love her just to have sex.
|—||do not tell her you love her. Krystal Gonzalez (via richgaaaang)|